good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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