you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I know her cup size but not her name....
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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