I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
