Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
