go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
