She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
We have so much sex to catch up on
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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