There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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