Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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