even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
