Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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