I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
