My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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