I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
