I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
