Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
just found out that she named her cat after me.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
