So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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