I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
