I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
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I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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