When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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