yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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