Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize