why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
