Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
