Jerry, you need to find god
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
