Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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