We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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