sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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