there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
i believe in u and ur pee
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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