what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
