in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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