Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
