sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
