I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
