it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
