WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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