Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
is that a dick in a sweater?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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