I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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