I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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