If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
