If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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