I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
