how can u be prego again
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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