very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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