I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
