Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
