pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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