Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
