I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
