headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
