can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
