What a fucking waste of an outfit
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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