I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
