I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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