I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
