I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
