hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
