I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
