Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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