I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
