Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
how do flat chested girls get laid?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
