I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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