i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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