I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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